L'Espion Russe
by RayLi1992
Summary: After an...unfavourable outcome for the Reds at a skirmish in 2Fort, they realize that they need to dramatically change battle plans to halt the advance of the Blu Team. But is their plan...too innovative? Please go easy on me, this is my first humour fic. I PROMISE it will get funnier later on. Rated T for language.


'_FIVE…FOUR….THREE…TWO…ONE...'_

_The sound of the metallic doors opened as each team flooded outwards. BLU Spy radioed in a message to each of his team-mates._

'_Scout, go for ze Intelligence. Now!'_

_Obeying, the nimble Scout jumped on top of 2Fort roof. Darting to and fro, Scout picked up his baseball and aimed._

_He struck the ball._

_The small white object impacted Red Sniper square on the forehead. Scout jumped towards the RED battlement, Sandman in hand._

'_Pwned, noob!'_

_Sniper, still feeling the effects of the concussion, attempted to stagger back to RED Respawn Room. Scout wouldn't allow it. Whipping out the Winger from his pocket, the Scout fired two rounds, hitting Sniper in the abdomen and the thigh. _

_Collapsing onto the floor, the bloodied figure of Sniper flumped down then disappeared. Fifteen seconds later, he would be respawned, but his attacker would be nowhere to be found. Scout, satisfied, took a large gulp of Crit-A-Cola and sped towards the Intelligence Room._

_On the other side of 2Fort, RED Heavy stood facing the two red ground-level entrances. His Huo-Long Heater grinned at the hapless BLU team as their isolated attempts to stop the beast, and the Medic healing him, failed miserably. RED Scout observed this with a keen eye._

'_Uhh, can you just kill that Heavy there, like, you know, now?!'_

_Spy's voice came through the radio._

'_Patience, you frisky little fool.'_

_The Spy appeared out of the left-side Red entrance. Taking out his Ambassador, he aimed at Heavy and fired a shot._

_A gush of blood quickly came out of Heavy's arm, but was plugged up by Medic's Medigun. _

_The angry Russian beast turned to face the Spy, who made a feeble attempt to flee. A torrent of bullets surged out of the draconic machine, cutting the Spy down with a dozen bullets to the stomach._

'_Uhh, can you like try NOT DYING, you know?'  
'Who said I am dead?'_

_Scout, confused, shouted into the radio._

'_Huh, like what?'_

_A synthetic, sonorous noise came from below him. The faint outline of a Red Spy appeared._

'_There's, like, a SPY coming into the—'_

_In one swift movement, the figure of the RED Spy wrapped its fingers around the all-too-familiar Butterfly knife, raised it and plunged it into the bare back of Heavy. A shout of agony and finally a bloody cough came out of the mouth of the once-formidable man. Behind him, the velvet colour of his assailant's outfit slowly dissolved into a navy blue hue._

'_Ze Dead Ringer. My favourite mask of all. Blanketing oneself under ze cover of death, only to be revenged by ze enemy one so arrogantly and foolishly thought he had just killed.'  
'N-n-n-nice.'  
'Go! Take ze intelligence back!'_

_Scout ran back into the Intelligence Room. From behind, he could see the Spy emptying the six chambers of his Ambassador into the fleeing Medic, each shot landing in a different point. One to the calf. Medic staggered. He frantically reached for a syringe to put in the Crusader's Crossbow, but another shot from Spy knocked the wooden contraption out of Medic's bloodied hand. The last he saw of Spy was a figure, standing erect, Ambassador pointed at Medic's right temple._

'_Success. We have secured the enemy intelligence.'_

_Scout grinned, taking a sip of his softdrink._

'_You failed. The enemy has captured our intelligence.'_

_Scout spit the entire mouthful out._

'_WHAT?!'  
'It appears zat ze enemy Scout has breached our defenses as well. Engineer. Move your sentry to ze Intelligence Room!'  
'Already there, pardner.' _

_Scout ran back to the Red Intel Room, dodging countless bullets, bombs and blows. Spy sent another message over the radio._

'_Good, now just get ze intel.'  
'This'll be ea—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'  
'Scout! Answer me, Scout!'  
'…'_

_Spy hit his receiver, but no sound came out. Turning around, he uttered a series of commands._

'_Soldier, Demoman, Medic and Heavy. Move to ze enemy Intel Room. I will follow in a bit of time.'_

_Taking a step toward the Resupply Cabinet, Spy took out his antique golden watch and placed it inside._

'_Zis is only au revoir, my friend. I will be back for you.'_

_He took out the Cloak and Dagger and slipped it onto his wrist._

'_Mon ami, you will be assisting me today. Let us go…'_

_Spy put on his mask, featuring a clumsily-drawn Engineer head. Scurrying to the RED Base, he turned on the watch, becoming invisible. Moving toward the outdoor RED Intel Room entrance, he radioed the Medic._

'_What has happened?'  
'Soldier and Demoman are alive, but cannot take much more of zis! I am having trouble healing Heavy… ze RED Team will return and take revenge on us!'  
'Go, capture the Intel. NOW!'_

_The five men ran down the stairs into the Intelligence Room. Spy was the first to speak._

'_Be silent. I will observe ze area.'_

_The invisible man moved towards the area with the briefcase, silently memorizing the layout._

'_Two sentry guns, one Engineer, one Heavy, some Teleporters and a Dispenser. I will sap both Sentry Guns, forcing Engineer to come at me. While dodging Heavy's recently-switched Brass Beast bullets, I will backstab Engineer. Once he comes at me, Medic will Ubercharge Heavy, which should render all of you capable of destroying what is left of RED Engineer's buildings. Do you understand?'_

_A chorus of voices answered._

'_Yes!'_

_Spy carried out the plan, and it worked to 's body lay strewn on the floor. The by-now glowing Heavy emptied the contents of his Minigun into the enemy Heavy, the Teleporter Exit and the Dispensers as the Sentry Guns were destroyed by Spy's sapper. On the sides, countless cylindrical grenades and high-powered rockets smashed the last of the RED Engineer's constructs. Seizing the briefcase, BLU Spy bounded out, shielded by his teammates, towards the BLU Intelligence Room._

'_We have secured the enemy Intelligence.'_

_Spy breathed a sigh of relief. Five seconds later, the P.A. system came to life again._

'_We have taken the enemy intelligence.'_

'_Vas?!' cried Medic._

_The arrogant, adolescent voice of Scout came through the other end._

'_Next time, try, like running QUICKLY?!'_

_A smile crept onto the rest of the BLU's faces. Scout's capture would be the third and final one needed. Slowly, the rest of the Team flicked the safety switches on their firearms to 'ON' and retired to the Respawn Room. Spy nonchalantly lighted a cigarette as the team walked back. They wouldn't be firing too many bullets now._


End file.
